10)I am thankful I am not a Muslim, black, Hispanic or gay. I say this because these four groups are in for one hell of a rude awakening when the Trump administration gets in and Steve Bannon is whispering in his ear. Gays are going to get pushed back in the closet in red states, Hispanics are going to find themselves on the wrong side of what appears to be white nationalism rising. Blacks will get it twice as bad as not only will they have to deal with blatant racism, their prison population is going to envelop most of them when the law and order president some of you idiots actually voted for literally bust down your door to arrest you for whatever the government feels like. The worst will be Muslims who are one major terrorist attack from occupying those FEMA camps we all know actually exist (Not a conspiracy theory. Check out my earlier article about that). You guys are screwed and remember, some Jews voted for Hitler. How'd that turn out for them?
9)I am thankful I don't get heartburn. My fiancee on the other hand is hating life right now.
8)I am thankful I am not a woman. Between the lower pay, the constant threat of rape from Neanderthal men and a menstrual cycle, being a guy rocks.
7)I am thankful I don't work for the Trump administration- Admit it, other than a few out there picks for cabinet positions, some of his choices and decisions lately have been quite moderate. He's already walked back positions on climate change, prosecution of Hillary and repealing Obamacare completely. I always knew he wasn't as right wing as he was making himself out to be, proving his earlier point when he correctly said in a 1980's interview that Republicans were rubes and if he ever decided to run he would do so a Republican because those people would vote for anything. Guess who was dead on accurate? However, I have a feeling that the insane GOP Congress, still filled with swamp monsters the electorate idiotically decided to put right back into office, is going to be a constant thorn in everyone's side, even Trump. Truth be told, I expect Trump to tank the economy when his proven failure plan goes into effect and kills the world economy once again. Plus, people are going to be super pissed when Trump can't bring jobs back because they are gone forever. I predict there will be more assassination attempts ever against him should this come to pass. Those people are super angry and well armed. Be pleased with your crappy desk job when those bullets start flying far far away from you.
6)I am thankful I am nowhere near Hillary Clinton right now- I hear she was inconsolable Election night. I can't blame her. She cheated her way to the top and still lost. Sorry, but that Primary theft was too much for some and one of the reasons she lost. Sanders supporters told her to pound dirt rather than vote for someone so obviously dirty. Just do us all a favor now and go the FUCK away. Please. If I never have to hear you again, it will be too soon.
5)I am thankful I am not an election official in Michigan, Wisconsin or PA- Some are making the allegation that voting results were off in these states which is either sour grapes or something to be actually looked at. I have no idea at this point which side is right because both sides have good points. The exit polls are off, and altered for unknown reason, in 13 states that exceed the margin of error. Now, this means either their poll data was off, which it shouldn't be if done correctly or the vote was off, which means fraud. Some experts say yes, others say not so fast. Some are suggesting that people told pollsters they voted for Hillary when they actually voted for Trump which if it happened is quite the anarchist thing to do because it makes the whole voting process suspect and any asshole doing this is subverting this country and not for the better. Any way you look at it, Hillary has until Friday to decide to challenge the election as some are saying or to just walk away Kerry style. I don't really care either way to be honest. These two both sucked.
4) I am thankful I have all my fatalities about me- My health may be crap but my mind still works. Sure wish we had put people into Congress like that because re-electing douchebags like Louie Gohmert, John McCain, Marco Rubio and, worst of all, Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a recipe for disaster. Congress has record low approval rating, yet we reelected 90% of the same idiots over and over. It's not just Congress who is retarded. It's America.
3)I am thankful I am not in school anymore- When I went to school if something stupid happened to you, it wasn't recorded for all of the world to see for time immortal. Nowadays, that same stupid comment or action will follow you around like herpes. Plus the kids of today have to deal with social media bullying, Common Core (which had it been around in my day would have resulted in truly terrible math grades which were not that great to begin with) and an epic rise in STD's, some of which barely existed in my day (herpes, AIDS). I may be getting old and my body may be fading but at least I don't have to worry about any of that.
2)I am thankful I don't have to drive anywhere this week- Traffic is going to be murder and heavier than ever thanks to low gas prices and the realization that this may be our LAST Thanksgiving. As a result, airports are going to be packed, roads are going to be slow going, and I do not have to worry about any of that. Plus, as my family is scattered all over the place, I don't have to see any of them, spending the day with my fiancee and that's it. The rest of you are going to be subject to an earful as Hillary and Trump supporters battle about more than just who gets the turkey leg. Fun.
1)I am thankful for being me- I have a good life. I may be poor, but not too poor. But I am also smart, loved and have a lot of good friends I can trust. When you have that, you have everything. However, money would be nice and here's hoping my upcoming book, which is almost done now, will net me that success so far which has avoided me. Happy Thanksgiving all. I will return on Monday.
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