TEN WORST FILMS OF 2013

For the first time in a long while, I actually had to struggle to come up with ten really lousy films this year that I saw. Now mind you the ones that did suck were doozies but Hollywood didn't produce the usual brand of crapola they usually do, solely on the strength of the top directors who all put out great movies this year. Next year does not bode well as it will be filled with fading directors like Spielberg or newbies that should never be behind a camera in the first place. Let's see the list of some truly terrible films.

10)World War Z- I'll be the first to admit that in other years this film would not have made the list as it wasn't horrible. It also wasn't very good. The title has nothing to do with it's source material, forgoing a much better script that was faithful to the book and instead going with this one instead. Brad Pitt is great as always and Marc Forster does a credible job in directing, but the script is terrible beyond the first act, which is thrilling, and rapidly devolves from there. There are so many holes in the plot and the original ending was cut and re-filmed, which has something to do with Mathew Fox holding Pitt's wife as a sex slave in Russia, for a small scale one that kind of sucked. The worst was the PG-13 rating which no zombie film can ever be, considering The Walking Dead on TV is much more gory and better plotted. The no blood in the film ruins it and makes some scenes incompressible, such as Pitt struggling to remove a weapon from a zombie's skull which we cannot see. While not the worst movie I've seen this year, the fact that this was a huge hit from critics make me seriously wonder what kind of idiots review films nowadays.

9)Europe Report-Another film that got rave reviews from some, while I watched it finding this "found footage" film terrible in yet another in a long line of disappointing films stretching back to the Blair Witch Project. With what must have been a budget in the millions and somehow grossing over a hundred million, the international cast consisting of Dexter's dead brother, Murdock from the A-Team film and Ash's love interest from Army of Darkness, is let down by some really bad directing and story lines. The story revolves around a mission to Europa, a moon off of Jupiter, for looking for alien life and drilling for resources. When they start dying off one by one, I became more and more bored with the whole thing. This is not a good movie, not matter what you might have read.

8)Carrie- I HATE remakes. Next year's Robocop looks to be a surefire winner for this column for exactly that reason, and not helped by it's inexplicable PG-13 rating. At least this one was R but that's about the only kind thing I can say about it. Chloe Grace Moretz is a fantastic actress but way too pretty for the part. The fact that it is exactly the same movie as the first one defies logic as in the book, Carrie destroys the town as well. Couldn't you have filmed that so it doesn't seem like a carbon copy of the far superior original? The worst part is they had talented writers and a director and still couldn't stick the landing. This movie smells of studio interference that otherwise might have taken it in another direction.

7)Jack The Giant Slayer- Yet another movie with a great writer, a good director and a giant pile of garbage that comes out of it. This one was reviewed well to boot which defies common sense as this was a terrible, very dull film. A close second was the awful Hansel and Gretel which had an R rating and did nothing with it, a popular method this year as seen in the decent The Conjuring, but both could have been PG-13. Can we stop making fairy tales into big budget films that don't have enough meat to sustain a two hour run time? Good actors look lost in this mess and considering it cost $200 million to make is shocking, especially as it only grossed $65 million domestic and not much more overseas. This was the John Carter of 2013.

6)The Purge- A great idea and well directed, hampered by one of the worst screenplays I have ever seen and has the misfortune of having Ethan Hawke in it, one of the worst actors of our times. How does he still get work and how do critics faun over the boring Before series with Julie Delphi? Every character in this movie is the absolute stupidest person alive. The young boy lets in a stranger on a night when no can be trusted, then the entire family is constantly doing thing by themselves, instead of, I don't know, barricading themselves into some panic room which this house oddly does not possess. If bands of marauders were roaming around one night a year, wouldn't you have a room that could not be broken into? The teenage girl is constantly running off on her own, the parents make bad decision after bad decision and I was seriously rooting for the bad guys to kill them, which for one second I thought might actually happen which would have changed my opinion of this film dramatically. But no, it has to be a semi-happy Hollywood ending and in the process ruins it, ala Apt Pupil, one of the worst movies ever made due to its incredulous ending. This movie sucked
hard. Again, a close second was Insidious 2, which was not half as entertaining as the first one. PG-13 horror films stink by the way.

5)Getaway- The shocker here is that Ethan Hawke is in this piece of crap too, just like the Purge above. I really don't like the guy as an actor or person. Allegedly, in real life, he's kind of a dick too. In this misfire, Hawke plays a race car driver whose wife gets kidnapped so he is forced to race against time to save her. Along the way, he enlists Selena Gomez help against her will, who was much better in the surprisingly good film Spring Breakers. The movie appears to have been edited by someone with no experience editing anything as every shot is a quick cutaway that makes the entire movie a blurry mess. It is exactly that kind of directing and editing that makes me cringe when I watch something. The plot is non-existent and the dialogue is laughably bad. Both Hawke and Gomez appear lost in bad writing and horrifically bad directing. Easily one of the worst pieces of nonsense that came out this year in the low budget category.

4)The Host- Stephanie Meyer is one of the worst writers of all time. This, the first of her non-Twilight series, cements that as this is an unwatchable mess. The fact that you have a great director and an actress that may be up for an Oscar one day makes it all the more depressing. Aliens are taking over the planet and they are sweeping up the last of the remnants of mankind. Enter Melanie who gets taken over by Wanda, an alien, and the audience is subjected to her fighting with herself in voice over form, a tactic that does NOT work. Can we please have more authors like JK Rowling and less like Meyer please? This film was going to be terrible as you can have all the talent in the world and if the source material sucks, you've got nothing to work with.

3)The Hangover 3- WTF? This movie was one of the least funny comedies I have ever seen and I've sat through many, many National Lampoon movies, 90% of which are unwatchable drek. I like Ken Jeong, however, in this film he's a screeching idiot that made me want to shoot him in the face just to make him stop raping my eardrums. The rest of the Wolf Pack is equally irritating and the plot is non-existent. The funniest part of the movie was after it was over when the end credits photos were actually laugh out loud. Too bad the rest of the film is one where most will sit in sullen silence and wonder what the hell happened to the funny first film. This was a terrible movie.

2)After Earth- As bad as Hangover 3 was, this was one worse and was always going to be. This was the ultimate vanity project for Will Smith and it blew up in his face. First off, Jayden Smith CAN'T ACT. He is absolutely terrible in this film and the whole film rests on his shoulders. His whole acting range appears to be a look of shock on his face with his mouth open. That's it. Get this kid to an acting studio stat if you want him to be any good. However, that being said, the best actors on the planet couldn't have saved this movie that for some inane reason brought back hack M. Night Shamalamadingdong. Haven't we have had enough of this guy now on his fifth terrible film? The fact that it was written by the director as well, makes me want to pass a law banning this man from ever having anything to do with movies ever again. This film came so close to being number one.

1)A Good Die To Die Hard- I want my hour and a half back. The fact that it seemed to go on for days didn't help. John McClain saves his estranged son in Russia, mayhem ensues, and I was bored the whole time. So was the rest of my family as we watched the clock more than the movie. I swear when it only half over, it felt like seasons had come and gone. The director, John Moore, is one of the WORST directors of all time with turkeys like the Omen remake (ugh) and Max Payne. As a matter of fact, looking over my past worst of columns, he has appeared more than any other director on the list ever. I will NEVER pay to see any movie this hack does again, joining John Madden and Wes Anderson as people I just don't like and refuse to watch anymore. Loud, brash and ugly, the film ruined a rapidly devolving series that peaked with the third one and has gone down hill ever since. Rumor is they are bringing back Sam Jackson for the next one. If they can get a better director and writer, there might be some hope. But for now, this was hands down the worst film of 2013. Watch only if masochistic or wanting a good nap.