DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK: HOLLYWOOD

Yes even in a world where politicians like Charles Rangel have to be explained that what they did was wrong as if they were a five year old child, where BP gets away with murder, where right wing nutbags look fondly back on the days of George Bush, Hollywood has shown that they too can make douchebag decisions.
If you want to know why movies suck so hard look no further than to the god awful writers they hire nowadays. Because every schmuck thinks they can write, producers must be hiring their barely literate friends to pen scripts. Look up the writers for such recent non blockbusters as Charlie St Cloud, Salt (albeit that one's a hit due to Jolie's star), Dinner For Schmucks or Cats and Dogs 2 (really?) as compared to say Inception, Grown Ups or Toy Story 3. The ones with the established writers did well regardless of reviews, the ones with hacks, except Salt, have all done poorly. Is it too much to ask that you hire people who know what they are doing and aren't related to the executive producer or director. And lets face facts: Zac Ephron is not a movie star, I don't care how pretty he is. HE CAN'T ACT! Staring blankly at the screen does not convey emotion.
In a shockingly offensive move, NBC has greenlit the new "comedy" Outsourced about a guy transferred to India to oversee all the jobs lost from America. Hold on a sec. Laughing too hard to type. Oh sorry it was actually a conniption fit I was having. This is funny to you? Maybe we should set a sitcom in a concentration camp. Oops they did and it was pretty good actually (Hogan's Hero's). But that was done decades after the war. Had this been tried in say 1943, I don't think it would have been as popular. This latest attempt at humor is doomed to fail as unemployed people watch others steal their jobs to a faraway land. Brilliant. And how many people do you know who actually like talking to people in India when they call customer service? Very few I would guess. When I do my best and worst of Fall TV next month, this crap will be at the top of the naughty list.
But the real winner this week is the producers of American Idol who have decided they don't actually want or need viewers for the next season. With everyone but Randy Jackson jettisoned, we are now left with new judge, uber bitch Jennifer Lopez, whose personal career has been in a nose dive for years. Her last album did so poorly her record label dropped her. Mind you this untalented singer recorded one of the worst songs ever. EVER. We call it the car alarm song because it has all the rhythm of a highly annoying noise. Unlistenable, AKA Yoko Onoish. Her acting career has similarly suffered, although she is a better actress than singer whose early roles in Out Of Sight, U Turn and the Cell showed promise, she's spent the last decade making the same mediocre rom-com movies over and over. As a judge I couldn't care less what she has to say and the message boards are less than hospitable to her arrival. Steven Tyler has been the rumored other judge, perhaps taking over for the loopy Paula in a new drug induced haze. "I JUST SHOT HEROIN INTO MY EYEBALLS. WWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Points to anyone who gets that reference. Idol is dead and their producers are the Douchebags of the week.

Inception: Best Movie Of the Year

When I was younger I delved into the idea of lucid dreaming. Through some trial and error, I eventually mastered it. Too well actually. Imagine have complete control of your dreaming state. It's like being a God. Anything you want can be gotten at the speed of thought. I'll never forget the ability to change houses, women or the landscape at the blink of an eye. At one point I had an epic dream which had something to do with a war on an alien planet. I was the king to be, fighting for freedom, in what appeared to take a lifetime to accomplish. The dream took decades it seemed and when I awoke the next morning, I felt very old, even though no time out of the ordinary had passed. I stopped lucid dreaming soon afterward, realizing that my dream life was becoming more real than the waking state. That is what this movie is about. If dreams are all you have, is reality even possible to go back to?
This mindbender of a film is yet another fantastic film from the always reliable Christopher Nolan. Notice that the only good films coming out this year are from seasoned directors like Scorsese or Nolan and both having DiCaprio in it. Leo plays Cobb a dream thief for hire who now needs to implant an idea into someones' subconscious rather than extract it, thus the title. Like any other heist movie, Cobb pulls together various others needed for the job like the newbie Architect Adriane (Ellen Page), and cohorts Joseph Gordon Levitt, Ken Watanabe, Dileep Rao, and Tom Hardy. Inserted into Robert Fischer Jr.'s (Cillian Murphy) head during a long flight, they attempt to implant info that will destroy his empire. Of course, things don't go as planned and they are forced deeper and deeper into his subconscious, which results in longer and longer time it will take to get out. We also come to learn that Cobb and his wife Mal, Oscar Winner Marion Collard were once trapped in Limbo for over fifty years and once they escaped reality, it was more than she could bear. Her death haunts him and plays havoc with the subconscious world they are stuck in. Part Matrix, part 2001, part On Her Majesties' Secret Service (you read that right) this tour de force is filled with unbelievable imagery. Finally CGI used for the wow factor and not as a cost cutting measure to avoid building sets. This movie pops with a terrific screenplay, haunting imagery, and the "It's about time" factor of finally seeing something on the screen that doesn't leave your mind the minute you walk out of the either. This film stays with you. I can't wait to see it again to pick up on the things I missed the first time around (much like Shutter Island).
Not to be missed. This is only the second 5 star movie this year (again Shutter Island) that I have given. News on Nolan's next Batman should be coming out any day now. Can't wait for that on whatever Leo's got coming down the pike. These two are on fire.

5 stars out out 5

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK: ANTHONY WARD

It was quite the week folks, with more than one leader for outright douchiness. I know most of you are like "who the hell is Anthony Ward?" and you would be right to ask as this story has gone largely unreported in the MSM lately. But before we get to this week's winner, let's review the runner ups.

MAX DEVRIES- A 300 pound man died this week after being too fat for the operating table and fell off when the restraints to hold him place failed. Now his family wants to sue. As if health care isn't expensive enough, we now have to subsides the obese who are too lazy to stop shoveling food into their pie hole until they are like a full tick ready to burst. Enough.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH- Caught in yet another gay scandal, albeit one that thankfully doesn't involve small children, Rome is scrambling to explain undercover footage of several priests caught frolicking in a gay nightclub. Yeah, no priests are gay and it's a sin. Yeesh. Way to go looking sssssoooooooooo hypocritical, Pope Nazi.

NORTH KOREA- Kin Jong Ill is like the little brother constantly looking for attention. Every time the focus is off him for more than two seconds he throws a tantrum. WHHHHHHAAAAAAAA. I don't like your military games. I'm going to nuke em. Yes, Kim Jong Ill has threatened to use nukes against us if we continue with our scheduled games. We have obviously not backed down and in no way shape or form will Captain Numnuts use force against us, less he wants Piyoung lit up like a Christmas tree. North Korea is known for empty bluster and this time is no different. Kim is a megalomaniacal moron but he's not suicidal in the same way Iran is. Let the baby rant and rave and let's move in to more serious topics shall we?

BP-Caught photoshopping three photos this week as well as some less dubious info about BP's dealing with the release of the accused Pan AM 103 bomber has left the once mighty giant oil firm with more egg on it's face. How long can this debacle go on for?

CHARLES RANGEL- The senior Representative from NY was going to be formally charged this week with ethics violations from money taking from lobbyists to go on vacations and to fix up his house. When a reporter asks him whether he's worried about possible jail time or being thrown out of Congress, he snorts in derision as if it were the dumbest question he'd ever heard. He calls NBC news a sham organization and berates them as if they were Fox News. Loser. Hope he's gone soon.

THE BELL CITY BOARD- The town of Bell, California whose mean salary average is 38,000$ was shocked to learn the mayor was making almost 800.000$ a year, the police chief 450,000$, and the Assistant mayor over 200,000$, not to mention all the part time city board members who pocketed 100,000$ each. In a town struggling to stay afloat, these salaries were outrageous. The mayor has resigned and an investigation will be followed shortly.

ANTHONY WARD- Who you ask? As of right now, this guy has cornered the market by spending 658 million pounds for the entire stock of cocoa beans on Europe. The direct result of this is the immediate rise in choclate prices world wide. Just what the world needs in the middle of a new Depression, higher chocolate prices. The funny thing is, according to all the media outlets, this guy's net worth is 58 million dollars (36M pounds) which hardly seems like enough money to buy more than a half a billion dollars worth of cocoa. Could this be one of the secret trillionaires I believe exist? Maybe. But for now, Anthony Ward, you are douchebag of the week.

The Skeptic: Why Are The Best Movies Coming Out On DVD

I have seen some real wank this year in the theater. All I have to say is thank God for Netflix. I have rented some really great movies this year as you can see from previous posts. One of the best companies putting out these independent movies is IFC films. Responsible for movies such as Pontypool and Dead Snow, they are easily the best company to find low budget, effective horror movies. Their latest that I have seen is The Skeptic staring Tim Daly as level headed Bryan Beckett. After his aunt dies, he moves into her house and begins to see weird things like an apparition of a woman and whispers from the dark. Aided by a high strung psychic Cassie (Star Trek's Zoe Saldana) and his law partner Sully (Tom Arnold), Bryan begins to unravel the secrets of the house and his forgotten childhood.
The first movie from director Tenneyson Bardwell is a creepy haunted house movie that has more emotional drama than outright scares. But I have to say, the directing is quite good as is the storyline, which is more than I can say about just about every major release this year. For example the writer for Salt is a hack, most of whose catalog I found to be unwatchable. How does a guy like that keep getting work? Because Hollywood is too lazy and inbred to seek out new talent thus we keep getting Diablo Cody movies or terrible John Logan adapatations.
For those who love movies the IFC brand is a sign of excellence. I'm sure they have their share of awful movies but I have yet to see any I didn't like and a few I absolutely loved (Pontypool, The Triangle). If you like horror this is the new studio to watch for.

3 and 1/2 stars out of 5

In Defense of keeping The Bush Tax Cuts

The way the media portrays the Bush tax cuts you'd think that only the richie riches of the earth would be affected. Or so I thought until I talked to my former editor at the paper I used to work for. He told me that if the tax cuts expire he stands to lose a fortune in taxes. As he is not a right wing nutbag (although he is an unhappy Republican), I decided to look into it to see what he was talking about. Come to find out that everybody is affected by these tax cuts from the poor to the rich. Not a good idea during a Depression to raise taxes unless you want things to get far far worse. For example the lowest tax bracket would rise from 10% to 15%, not an inconsiderate amount. For all of us self employed or on unemployment, this would be a greater burden than some would be able to process. The death tax, of which I support to a certain extent, would tax at 55% all estates over 1 million. This is not a large amount and anyone with a couple houses and a good stock portfoloio coiuld easily top this amount. Why are we equally taxing everyone? The rich need to pay more. Period. Cut taxes for the rest of us and raise taxes and those making more than 20 million a year. For those of you crying that capital investment creates jobs I would ask what jobs? They've all been outsourced to India and China. I would propose tax breaks for anyone creating jobs with this so called wealth but the rest I'd make pay through the nose. The richest of this country pay very little in taxes regardless of what you hear, due to generous tax breaks, write offs and loopholes. The middle class is the one getting squeezed hardest and are the ones least able to afford it. The middle class is disappearing and only by keeping the Bush tax cuts alive, at least for those that need it, are we going to get by. The Republicans have always proved to be the party of the wealthy and powerful, while snookering the rest of the hicks with promises they will never keep or appealing to religious nonsense. The tax cuts must stay or else we will head into a real Depression, one that may be coming regardles of what we do at this point.

Democrats Shoot And Score

The Democrats have good reason to be happy today. In addition to finally getting the unemployment bill passed, financial reform, health care and a few other tid bits, the Republicans have decided that the Juts Say No to Everything policy is working. It isn't. As a matter of fact recent polls show that while your hard core demographic are eating it up, moderates even within your own party are starting to bolt. Unless you listen to Fox News who could quite possibly have the most lop sided polls I have ever seen, their standings are drooping faster and faster. And people haven't really started paying attention to the races yet like they will come September. Those who have taken a good look at the supremely retarded Tea Party candidates have said YECHH and gone with someone else. Barbabra Boxer's number are getting better as Carla Fiorina is getting better scrutiny and Harry Reid getting a much needed bounce versus his nutbag opponent. Seriously, she's batshit insane with the crap she believes. I don't much like Boxer or Reid. But the alternative to these idiots are even more dangerous idiots. Like end of the world dangerous. The Tea Party is a good idea in principle but as long as it's been hijacked by the fringe Republicans it needs to be kept in check. We need moderates like Charlie Christ, a candidate considered deda in the water until recently where he now leads in the polls over a weak democarat and Tea Party moron. People have a tendency to move to the center, as Christ has done winning Independent votes as well as both republican and democratic voters over with his common sense stances on every issue. The world could use more voices like his and more voters to support these kinds of candidates. This is where a true tea party should come into play. Let's nominate people who want to do things like end the wars, raise taxes on the corporations and the elite, cut taxes for everyone else. Watch the economy explode. Jobs will be created as money floods the system and demand for prodcuts rsie. The wealthy will make less. Tough. It's do or die time. Only together can we make it happen.

WED JULY 28TH: Punch A Republican Day

To commensurate the Democratic party in finally getting the unemployment bill passed and the Republicans for being a giant bunch of douchbags, I declare next Wednesday to be Punch a Republican day. In no other universe can their stupidity be tolerated for another day. I am so tired of hearing from these right wing losers that people unemployed due to no fault of their own are lazy, shiftless (aka black or Hispanic) morons who are sponging off the system. If things are so dandy why don't you quit your job, give it to someone who actually could use it and see how long it'll take you to find work. Hunker down because it's going to be awhile asshole. Ben Stein had the audacity to say he's never met anyone unemployed for two years and that anyone who is is probably unemployable anyway because they are lazy, stupid. or have a bad personality. Show me someone out of work for two years and I'm sure they will have a bad personality but not on the days they go for a job dick. This let them eat cake bullshit is dangerous and shows how out of touch these fools are. A recent study showed that even when people are showed facts about something they think they know about, they still will refuse to accept it as fact. How stupid are we as a species when even the truth can't convince people. Part of this is because we have been lied to for so long that we think we have the truth when no one else does and those so called facts are manipulated by the government, the "liberal" media" or a host of other bogeymen we have conjured up for ourselves. This has to stop, so I propose a punch a republican day. If you hear someone say something like "unemployed people are lazy," or "I like Sarah Palin," they deserve a solid punch in the face or the gut, your choice. But this fox news/Glen Beck' Bill O'Reilly nonsense is going to lead us straight into another depression. Their policy of stop spending will destroy this country if all the spending we stop is not on the military and social security both of which need revamping something serious, we are going to flush ourselves into a big big problem. The policies of Herbert Hoover do not work no matter how bad the idiot public thinks they do, mainly because the idiot pundits are shouting about it like Rick Santelli or Fox News imitating Peter Finch in Network (by the way if anyone hasn't seen this brilliant work, rent it. It's scary how right they were about the future of news). Unemployment now is over 20%, hovering somewhere between 21 and 24%. The current numbers are deeply flawed and even Republican Ron Paul (who should have voted for the extension) stated the numbers are fictitious during Congress yesterday. Why is no one listening to this huge problem? Because the Republicans have taken over the mindset of the stupid and now these mindless zombies are vomiting their disease all over. So next Wednesday do your country right and punch a Republican for saying somethig stupid.