Wednesday, January 7, 2015


Muslim douchebags shot up a French newspaper today and if you think American people hate Muslims, travel overseas where as high as 25% of any given population is really, really racist towards them now and with good reason. If genocide is your endgame guys, then perfect. If you are trying to do anything other than get a billion people killed, then for the love of God, stop this because the end result is what can only be described as the anti Sun Tzu method where you lose the hearts and minds of your own brethren at this point. But more on that later in my douchebag column and let's have a less serious look back at the movies of 2014.

2014 was a weird year for films. Box office was way down and the main reason for that was not economics but quality. This past summer had almost no tent pole pictures other than a barely watchable Transformer movie, a fantastic Godzilla and another pretty good X-men. Not only were there almost no big movies come out, half of what did sucked so hard I can't believe they put these stinkers out during some of the busiest months of the year. There is a reason why studios dump losers in months like January, April and September. However, other than a truly dismal summer, the remaining months had some of my favorite films I have seen in years. And while I feel prestige pictures were a sad lot, genre movies had some great leaps forward with even the horror genre fending few losers like usual. Comedies however were not so lucky with some real stinkers and the fact that some movies, like A Million Ways To Die in The West, Blended, Horns and others wound up on some worst of lists, makes me question how many movies these guys saw because none of those were as bad as some comedies this year that were cringe-worthy at best. So let's look back at some of the really bad films of 2014, for which there are so many, categories are going to have to be used to subgroup certain genres that fell apart so fantastically.

10)Cameron Diaz movies- I like Cameron Diaz but she needs a new agent stat. She had three awful movies this year and to be honest her filmography for some time now has been weak at best. Least offensive was The Other Woman which at least had the decency to have Kate Upton bouncing around in limited clothing which helped you forget what an awful film it really was. Annie was a train wreck from start to finish. Helpful hints if you decide to update a musical. One, hire a director who has some idea how to film a musical. Two, hire people who can sing and don't need to be auto tuned to death. Three, write a screenplay that doesn't have people scratching out their eyes to make it stop. Four, never, and I repeat, NEVER, change the cast from white to black. That isn't being racist, it's acknowledging the fact that these movies fail across a wide racial spectrum where no one wants to see them. Worst of all, and I do mean worst, was the truly awful Sex Tape, which was rated R kind of and then proceeded to film a PG one in it's place. Nudity is coy and hidden, the premise is impossible and, most glaringly, the film is not even remotely funny. I sat through at least the first half hour without so much as cracking a smile. Ugh. Cameron Diaz was way too old for this movie and Jason Segal looked like he had the flu through the whole thing. Why this was released in July is exactly why BO for the summer died a painful death.

9)Teen movies- I sat though the latest Hunger Movies and couldn't help but notice how padded the whole thing felt. Having read the books, and liking them, I knew they were going to have trouble elongating a book that wasn't that long to begin with and they came up with the same problem Twilight did when then did the exact same thing and had the second to last film nothing more than a super long wedding video. But Mockingjay was light years ahead of other teen films like Divergent which I found derivative and implausible, even with the engaging Shailene Woodley in it. The Giver was even worse about a society that only sees in black and white until one of the hunky young inhabitants rebels against the system. Yawn. The Maze Runner which I won't see until next week, does not look much better. Worst of all was the beyond stupid Vampire Academy, which was dumped into the month of February along with a zillion other losers this year. Maybe that's why Sex Tape came out in July: they ran out of room to release these other turds. They do know some of these should have gone straight to DVD right? Why do vampires need human protection anyways? Apparently, like the Giver, the movie strayed far from the book which pissed off the core audience. I can only next year will be better for these types of films.

8)Disaster movies- I love disaster movies. The previews for San Andreas later this year with the Rock and the hottest woman on Earth, Alexandria Daddario, look fantastic. And if I was giving out awards for best nude scenes one of the best ever would be Daddario in True Detective. My eyeballs still haven't recovered. But this past year were two of the worst films I have ever seen in my life. Pompeii with Bastard John from Game of Thrones and Jack Bauer was one the dumbest things I have seen all year where I was rooting for the volcano to kill everyone. People are so stupid in this film it's mind blowing. Much more mundane and dull was the found footage film Into the Storm which forgot that disaster movies need likeable characters not cardboard cutouts. Both were must misses.

7)I, Frankenstein- Yet another remake of a classic that has had a long string of really terrible films. The last one I can remember actually liking was Frankenstein Unbound directed by Roger Corman. Even worse, I also like Aaron Eckhart who is wasted completely in yet another dumb action/horror film with no plot, bad acting and cheap effects. Read the classic novel and avoid this suckfest.

6)Sin City: A Dame To Die For- I loved the first film so much I have watched it at least a dozen times. This one, almost a decade later shows how time was not their friend. The stories are weak, especially the one with Joseph Gordon Levitt, or predictable, like the one with Jessica Alba who I have to say was one of the weaker actors in it as well. Her performance was not believable and Bruce Willis is shoe horned in for no apparent reason. There are continuity errors galore, long stretches of dead space and only worth seeing for Eva Green being butt naked through most of her vignette. Also, if Josh Brolin is Clive Owen from the first film, why does he not have an accent? Wasn't Marv executed by the time he helps Alba? Robert Rodriguez needs a good movie quick because he hasn't had a hit in years, even if I really liked his last couple of films, just not this one.

5)Monuments Men- This was a great book. Too bad they decided not film and of it and went with this dribble instead. Has George Clooney never actually seen a WW2 movie in his life because it certainly seems that way from this clunky mess? The training part, which should have been the first act of the movie, is glossed over so fast, if you blink, you'll miss it. A love story gets shoe horned in, because I guess it is in his contract or something. And worst of all, nothing much happens. Ever. One of the most boring films of the year.

4)Grand Budapest Hotel- Let me start by saying I HATE Wes Anderson movies. The only one I was ever able to sit through was the Fantastic Mr. Fox. The rest of his resume I loathe more than any other director out there. Once again, this film is on everyone's best of list which makes me question people's taste in films. Why is this good? More importantly, why is this funny? I reminded of a poetry reading I went to years ago where the writer said something "funny," everyone laughed, and my girlfriend asked me why it was funny and I had to tell her I had no idea. Wes Anderson movies are the same. I do not find them funny or entertaining in the slightest. They are precocious, over blown, high minded clap trap where people see meaning where I am not sure any was ever supposed to be. Nothing happens in this movie and if I am looking for whimsy, I'll watch Galavant. At least they have funny songs on that show.

3)Tammy- Mike and Molly is one of my favorite shows and Melissa McCarthy is usually a joy to watch. This was not he case here where she forgot that a script and likeable characters are needed to have a successful film. The best moments are all in the trailers ("there was a bee"), her "love" interest appears to be in another movie entirely, and Susan Sarandon is wasted in a pointless role. This could have been funny and it makes sense why they buried this on 4th of July weekend where everyone would be at the fireworks.

2)Robocop- I so wanted this to be the worst movie of the year because no film made me angrier than this absolute travesty of celluloid. This film was so bad, the director agreed, calling it the worst experience he ever had in his life. After Darren Aronofsky walked off the project (only to appear below), he was replaced by some one the studio could push around which is almost certainly why Aronofsky bolted. Trust me it shows. Ten minutes in I was ready to hit the eject button after Muslim terrorists, for some inane, completely unbelievable explanation. tell their fellow suicide bombers not to attack civilians just the robots. Right. That conversation would only happen because some suit said "We'll never make money in the Middle East if we portray these psychos accurately. Let's make them nice." Ugh! People like Michael Keaton and Sam Jackson are in this, don't ask me why because the script should have been a clear sign to avoid at all costs. Worst of all was the dreaded PG-13 rating, meaning all of the nudity and gore from the original would be watered down to nothing, which it was. Easily one of the worst pictures of this year and any other year.

1)Religious movies- We get it. Religious movies make money. And of course, far be it to let a trend not be driven into the ground, so the Powers that Be said "Make it so." And then they stretched out their arms and said "Go forth and multiply," and then they went on to make six terrible religious movies this year. SIX! The two biggest were Noah and Exodus. The better of the two was Noah which was just like Captain Phillips last year where the film was great until they got into the life raft. Noah was good until they got on the boat and then it sunk fast. Exodus was just stupid, in desperate need of a working screenplay, not the crap they actually filmed. The other four were smaller ones but sucked even worse. Left Behind was made again, this time with Nicolas Cage replacing Kirk Cameron, who appears in another stinker below, with the same results of no one seeing it. Son of God tried to tell the story of "white" Jesus for the hundredth time. How about a film about Jesus that shows him with the Middle Eastern roots he had, not the image created during the Middle Ages we have been all brainwashed into believing? Mom's Night Out was even worse, a "comedy" where the buffoon dads cannot take care of their kids while the Moms have a big night out with their friends, all of which revolves around their love of Christ. SNOOOORREEEE! I've seen more enlightened reverse mortgage commercials. But the worst movie is also the worst reviewed picture of the year and yes, it does have Kirk Cameron in his terrible, terrible film, Saving Christmas. The picture is basically one long sermon about the true meaning of Christmas that even hard core Christians called "Boring as shit," and "as watchable as a test pattern." If you cannot fall asleep, this is the film for you as even the worst insomniac will drop off moments after Cameron's fifteenth sermon about Egg Nog. So congratulations Kirk Cameron and Saving Christmas you are indeed the worst picture of 2014.

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