What a week the despicable senator from Texas had. First, he got caught up in a birther scandal that was nothing short of hilarious, then he got caught in a lie about how he funded his campaign that could be a serious charge of campaign fraud, not that I have any idea what the punishment for that is, but will most likely involve a tepid slap on the wrist. Voters however may have a different view of someone lying and hiding involvement with major banks. Let's see those runner ups in this shortened week.
10)Fantastic Four- Well deserved of the Razzies it got this week, this epic misfire will be topping my worst of list later this year, possibly even the top spot. It reeked of studio involvement who demanded Kate Mara be cast, action scenes be cut and the final run time be less than an hour and forty minutes. The director didn't help by acting like a spoiled brat on set, a more common occurrence than you would think as anyone who watched this past year's Project Greenlight saw first hand. Josh Trank was so bad that his involvement with an upcoming Star Wars picture was pulled and his career may be in jeopardy as these kind of antics are not wanted anymore. The John Huston's of this world are an extinct bunch. The plot sucked, it was epically dull, the cast was awful and yet again, they screwed up the mythology of Dr. Doom in one grand swoop. How hard is it to make him a megalomaniacal bastard who wants to dominate the world, not destroy it? Miss this at all costs.
9)Death- Can someone get this dick a latte and tell him to stop killing our best actors and musicians please? In the past week, we lost Lemmy from Motorhead, David Bowie, Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man from Phantasm) and now Alan Rickman. Yet Justin Bieber, Pauly Shore and Chris O'Donnell still walk the Earth unharmed. Why, God why? Take someone more deserving next time please. Chris Brown is just sitting there for God's sake!
8)Chandler Jones- Can someone explain to me why, if you have tons of money as this defensive end for the Patriots does, do you decide that regular pot is too passe and synthetic weed is the way to go instead? Real weed causes hospitalization never, unless they are a crying baby who can't handle it and freak out like the losers they are, while synthetic pot might as well as have a warning label saying a visit to the hospital is inevitable. What an idiot. It's not like there isn't a championship game this weekend or anything. And the NFL does drug test moron. Expect him to be cut next season.
7)Justin Bieber- Yet another notch in the douchebag column for the troubled pop star who cannot get out of his own way. In what can only be described as moronic, douchebag decided that climbing on the ancient ruins of Tulum, Mexico was a great idea until someone saw him and kicked him out. I've been to the ruins before and there are plenty of places to climb around that are not off limits. This ass decided the ropes keeping you out were not meant for him and decided to jungle jimmy his way around like the retarded monkey he is. Can his fifteen minutes be up already? Is death that busy that he can't make a special trip to his house?
6)State of CT- I left the state some years back in a huff after John Rowland's administration blackmailed my fledgling movie company for four million dollars. We didn't have anything close to that so our movie studio idea died, which instead went to another dick who ponied up the four, got 12 back in taxpayer money and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing after that. This happens all over the country all the time. Add to that the highest taxes in the country and I was done. Now, they have decided to raise taxes on GE, which has made them say adios as well and are also moving to MA now. Corporate taxes have to be raised at a federal level or else this is exactly what happens. Government have given corporations all the power and they wield it well. But CT's loss is MA's gain. Fuck CT.
5)Chelsea Clinton- I have never liked this woman. The very definition of white privilege, this horse faced debutante has gone to the best schools, gotten jobs no average person would ever get, and is now bitch slapping Bernie with a slew of lies so awful even the press is telling her to shut up. This was the bitch that became a reporter for NBC for half a million dollars a year, which she sucked at and barely did anything for. One year, she did three puff pieces for which she got half a million dollars. I would like that job please. Now she is spreading lies about Sanders health plan that no one believes. Hillary must be desperate.
4)Hillary Clinton- Other than Ted Cruz, no one had a worse week in politics. As her numbers tumble and Bernie soars, she has been acting like the bitter cunt we all knew she was. She has slammed Bernie in gun laws and his health care plan, even though she endorsed the latter whole heartedly previously in writing. She is way behind in NH and slightly behind in Iowa. Nationally, some polls even have Bernie ahead now, albeit by a small margin, but still. I hate Hillary who, if elected, will continue the status quo and lead us further into a fascist police state. Vote Bernie Sanders who is the only real candidate running.
3)Sean Penn- Nevermind his meeting with El Chapo, the real disgrace was Rolling Stone publishing his 10,000 word article that was so pretentious and nauseating you would have thought it was coming from Skank Magazine and not the heavily disgraced Rolling Stone. You guys have had a really bad year and this doesn't help. In the article he goes into great detail about farting and pissing with his dick in his hand without a whiff of irony or ability. Stick to acting Sean and leave writing to the professionals.
2)The Supreme Court- The Court is going to have lots of big cases this year and some will not go as the public would want. One of the biggest since Citizen's United appears to be the court is ready to strike down unions, meaning wages are going to plummet along with safety standards for all of us because Republican douchebags have convinced the less stable of society that unions are bad. Unions can be bad, especially police unions, but they also got us things like weekends off, 40 hour work weeks and better pay. With unions gone, we will be back in the late 19th century all over again.
1)Ted Cruz- What. A. Dick. I hope he gets the nomination because there is no way in hell this guy doesn't lose in a tremendous fashion. The birther scandal is heating up as several constitutional scholars say he is ineligible to be president, and thus senator as well. It all boils down to what "natural born" means as our Founding Fathers were excessively vague. Some say all you need are American parents but others say you have to be born on American soil to be natural born. You're still an American citizen but not natural born. The funny part about this is, unlike Obama who WAS born in Hawaii, there is a real case to be made here. Then, to compound issues, Ted Cruz got caught in a blatant lie about how he funded his Senatorial campaign. According to Cruz, he liquefied all his assets and used that money to run for Texas senator. That was a lie. What he did do was got a great loan through Goldman Sachs, as his wife works there, and another from Citibank I believe. Now while he faces no real punishment for this as election rules are arcane at best, the public and his opponents will have a field day with this. In this scenario, Cruz is beholden to a big bank that most Republicans do not like or trust. The fact he lied about where the money came from will undoubtedly be used in attack ads against him. Trump is almost certain to start blasting the airwaves about it and it could hurt Cruz's numbers, coupled with the birther problems. So congratulations Ted Cruz you are indeed douchebag of the week.