Barack Obama today ordered the arrest of Dudley T. Moneybags, CEO of The Christian Corporation, Sheila Greedson, CEO of Chinese Imports Inc., and Donald Brackwater, CEO of the Clean Water Collation for violating countless US regulations and causing the deaths of millions of US citizens.
Moneybags has been accused of denying basic medical services for his employees on the grounds that according to his version of the Bible, doctors are the spawn of Satan and only prayer is the best way to get better. Dead people have been stacking up like cordwood and Moneybags had been using the corpses as furniture, fuel for the boiler and food for the cafeteria area. SWAT teams found Moneybags eating the left breast of his former secretary when they arrived. After they finished throwing up, he was brought to booking where he immediately burst into tears.
Greedson is being accused of using cheap, toxic Chinese materials that have caused fevers, blisters and spontaneous human combustion in millions of people worldwide. The baby pacifiers she recently had on the market were apparently made from Fukushima waste products and were so radioactive some infants turned into the Hulk causing untold havoc when they got angry. You wouldn't like these babies when they got angry. When police discovered Greedson's enormous bulk wouldn't let her fit into a normal cell they used the local elephant habitat to contain her huge girth.
Brackwater's company had an "accidental" spill into the Idaho water supply that literally caused some to explode with the force of a grenade. Video surfaced of a drunken Brackwater intentionally opening the flood gates while singing "Expolsion," loudly and off key. Brackwater was still drunk when arrested and continued to sing the entire litany of songs from Justin Bieber for some reason as he was being transferred off to jail. A search of his home showed a shrine to the teen idol as well as several kidnapped youths who had been forced to join some deranged boy band for Brackwater's own amusement.
Republicans finally saw the writing on the wall and declared their support for Obama's policies, realizing that if they didn't, lynch mobs were coming for them. Ted Cruz resigned immediately and went back to work as a gay porn producer. Rand Paul admitted he was never really a doctor and the whole sham was to make his father proud, which of course, he wasn't. Michelle Bachmann revealed that her entire congressional career was one long act, ala Joaquin Phoenix, and in reality she was more liberal than Mother Theresa.
Insurance companies admitted that Obamacare wasn't why prices were rising but due to sheer greed and immediately reversed course, dropping rates to affordable levels once again. Sheldon Adelson revealed himself as the devil incarnate and immediately went back to hell as, and I quote, "America isn't evil enough anymore." He mentioned something about going to Russia instead and disappeared in a cloud of foul smelling smoke, sulfur and Aqua Velva.
Paul Ryan released his new budget today which strengthened Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid while raising taxes on the rich and corporations. He was quoted as saying, "Ayn Rand can suck it," as he said he wanted to restore unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage to $20 an hour and calls for the death sentence on any corporate leader for so much as sneezing the wrong way.
Obama's popularity went through the roof as the GOP confirmed that their party was dead and buried and were desperately trying to rebrand themselves as so gay friendly, they adopted the rainbow flag as their new logo. Several politicians, including Louie Golmert, Mike Grimm, and John Boehner were seen in a gay pride parade the other day wearing nothing more than assless chaps, various wigs and a strap on penis to try to get someone to vote for them in the next election which seems unlikely as the Democrats party has a 90% approval rating going in and the Republicans hovered somewhere between jock itch and sleeping with an octogenarian.
It would be nice of any of that was true. April fool's all.