Sunday, December 27, 2015


This is what happens when you don't vote. This week, not one, but two GOP Governors got into some hot water with their actions that seriously question their competency. As bad as Democrats are, and they do indeed suck hard, they do not constantly keep doing things that fuck over the poorest people in our society while cheering on others to revel in their suffering. What is wrong with this country? Let's see those runner ups.

10)Donkey Cartel- The worst rap named person ever died this week after an ill advised shooting at a NC mall involving a fight between gang rivals, which of course had to include guns because America is filled with pussies who can't fight without them. His real name was Daquan Antonio Westbrook, 18, and was a failed rapper who had already been in and out of prison several times before dying stupidly. His rap album has a picture of him in an orange jumpsuit flashing gang signs. Clever. An off duty policeman killed him when this idiot starting firing into crowds of people during the Holiday rush. Past offenses for Donkey induced shooting a 12 year old in the leg and a recent charge of assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill. Yet somehow, this ass is free to walk the streets so some other innocent guy has to sit there for a pot charge. This is why the War on Drugs is moronic but I am glad this fuckwad is dead, hopefully before having a slew of bastard kids.

9)Jim Webb- After getting 0% of the Democratic vote, this loon has peeked back up to insult Hillary Clinton and threaten an independent bid. This is fine with me because his views mirror closer to the right side and will siphon more votes from the GOP contender than the left. Why can some people never go away?

8)Peyton Manning- While it is still too early to throw stones at the quarterback great, past experiences suggest there may be something here. Allegations about him using human growth hormone have surfaced along with a bunch of other athletes including Mike Tyson. Denials mean nothing now since Bill Cosby, Josh Duggar, Jared Fogel and one nut wonder, Lance Armstrong have all tainted that by lying through their teeth until it came clear that they had indeed done what they were accused of. There may be nothing here, but unfortunately, chances are they all cheated which makes them worse than Brady and the Patriots, not that many of you out there will see that and still invent awful memes about Deflategate.

7)Madonna- In what can only be described as the worst parenting skill ever, Madonna actually sued her 15 year old son so he would come home and spend the holidays with her, rather than her ex Guy Ritchie in the UK. He's 15 not three, Madonna. He has free will and if he doesn't want to spend Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever weird ritual you celebrate in December, he doesn't have to. Suing him seems a sure fire way to never see him again. Even after a judge ruled he had to return, Ritchie and his son said "make me," which is unlikely to get anyone to extradite over this. This woman is deranged.

6)Steve Harvey- I love Steve Harvey. I think he is funny, quick witted and one of the best hosts of Family Feud ever. However, reading is not his strong suit as demonstrated by his disastrous one week hosting of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? in which he mangled words so badly it merited a riotous SNL sketch. This time, he may have misread a cure card or the card was misprinted, but either way, Harvey announced the WRONG winner at the Miss Universe Pageant which is pretty bad as you now have to ruin some poor girl's life when you say Oops! I still love you Harvey but there are some ruthless memes out there that I will have to share because of this.

5)Lakeisha Holloway- This 24 year old homeless woman decided she wanted a roof over her head for the rest of her life and thought the best way to do that was run a bunch of people over her car, killing one and injuring almost 40 others. Oh, and she had her three year old in the back that she will now never see again. Cops have ruled out terrorism, but not mental illness, which seems rather cut and dried. Tell me again how keeping guns out of the hands of lunatics will keep us safe?

4)Chipotle- Anyone eating here is literally taking their lives in their own hands. Another E-coli outbreak, this time down south, has hobbled more people. It also turns out that this has been going on for some time with past outbreaks over the years sickening over a thousand people now. How are they still in business? What idiot eats food from this place? Go to Q'Doba for some of the best tacos I have ever had and e-coli free. This business needs to go bye byes.

3)Oberlin College Students- You have officially crossed the Rubicon if I can no longer distinguish between satire and reality. This story was it. In it, people of all races were incensed over food or lack thereof at Oberlin college dining halls. Not that the food was bad, as it usually is, but that it was prepared in ways that were "culturally unacceptable." The Japanese bitched about the sushi. The Vietnamese complained about how their Bahn Mi sandwich was made, unaware of the irony that this was being served at all, let alone correctly. Black people complained about the lack of fried chicken, claiming it was racist not to have that on the menu. My favorite was the Chinese whining about the General Tso's chicken being culturally hurtful as they used the wrong sauce, somehow oblivious to the fact that that dish is American born. The younger generation is too stupid to live. If this is our future, I'd like to get off this ride sooner than later.

2)Susanne Martinez- The Governor of NM was recently caught being drunk in public while admonishing the police who came to some party at a posh hotel where her guests were being louder than she was, a true feat, while doing douchebag things like throw bottles from the balcony down below where people were walking. The whole thing was also caught on audio tape. She repeatedly demanded to know who filed the complaint against her, which the police wisely said no to. Right after this, Republican Sec. of State Dianna Duran was being booked for embezzlement to fund a gambling addiction. Because of this, and other allegations of this witch using her political clout to get what she wants, at least three FBI probes are being investigated against her. This once rising star was now fallen to Earth, like most GOP hopefuls.

1)Matt Bevin- No one was worse than this asshole, Teatard schmuck who is now Governor of Kentucky because democrats didn't vote and just fucked a sizable portion of that state's population right in the ass. First, he reversed his predecessor's ruling and now 140,000 former felons cannot vote, a fact that should be unconstitutional. Once you've served your time, you should be allowed to vote. Period. Then he removed clerks names from marriage licenses so douchebags like Kim Davis can stop bitching 24/7 about how God hates gays. He has also said he will repeal Medicaid expansion for the state, which would put millions of people back on the street with no access to health care, even though seven in ten residents there want and/or need it. Once again, who cares about the public when big business is all that matters. So way to go Kentucky voters for putting this dick into office. Remember that come 2016. Congratulations Matt Bevin you are indeed douchebag of the week.

This will be the last douchebag column for 2015. Read my year end round up of the worst of the year this Thursday. Hope everyone had a good holiday. The above idiots sure didn't.

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