Let's all admit 2015 was not great for a lot of reasons. Many you will see tomorrow in my annual Douchebag of the Year column which I am still compiling. Our economy continued to suck despite everyone's assurances otherwise. Our presidential candidates are almost all old, stupid or both with little hope for any of them accomplishing anything. Our Congress is filled with greedy bastards more interested in fueling even more money to corporate interests than ever before while slashing pay, benefits and jobs for the rest of us. To say things look bleak would be an understatement. So what does 2016 bring for us? More of the same and then some I am afraid. Let's see what predictions I think will happen next year, some funny, some not.
I predict Bill Cosby, Martin Shkreli and George Zimmerman will all form a new super-group called AWA (Assholes With Attitude) and will burn up the charts with songs like "I Like Em Still," "Fuck Sick People," and "My Gun, My Lover." They will disband quickly after their first tour after Cosby drugs and rapes Shkreli's mom, Shkreli steals all the band's money and Zimmerman "accidently" shoots Bill Cosby.
I predict Trump will be the Republican nominee and the mass media's heads will explode in horror/delight.
I predict Hillary will be the Democratic nominee after Millennials oversleep and miss the primaries completely.
I predict a Hillary/Trump match-up will make most of this country dry heave constantly.
I predict Hillary wins when every rich person and corporation funds Hillary instead of Trump, who loses everyone but old white men votes in a landlslide unseen since Mondale versus Reagan. Anyone who doesn't think the Clinton war machine will not decimate Trump is deluding themselves.
I predict the Supreme Court will make epic rulings devolving this country to utter serfdom and failure. Congress will of course, applaud them for their sanity, making everyone else crazy in response.
I predict lots more innocent people, mostly black, will die at the hands of a psycho cop.
I predict most will get away with it.
I predict BLM will change things in places like Chicago.
I predict BLM will get run out on a rail if they continue to block airport access and shopping in places like Minnesota. Is the police station too far to protest in front of?
I predict the Republicans will continue to pursue polices that 90% of the country is opposed to.
I predict the Democrats will continue to do absolutely nothing that even alters the status quo.
I predict Americans will get very, very mad over the inaction taking place.
I predict a massive stock market crash when everyone runs out of money, higher interest rates stop the corporations from buying back as much as their own stock to stay afloat (Caterpillar I am looking at you) thus decreasing values, and consumers stop buying in mass numbers which will all be blamed on the weather, whatever it happens to be doing that week. It was raining. It was snowing. It was too hot, or too cold. We are too broke. That's the problem.
I predict 90% of the new shows that appear on network TV this spring don't last until May. Because of censorship issues, most shows would rather be on HBO or basic cable than NBC. They get last pick which explains how bad some of these shows are lately. They certainly need a better set of sitcoms which have all but disappeared lately.
I predict Captain America: Civil War will be awesome.
I predict TMNT 2 will not be awesome or even watchable.
I predict they studios will announce remakes of Jumanji, the Magnificent Seven, Scarface, The Blob, Ghostbusters, Frankenstein and Jaws. Only the last one is fake.
I predict most of those remakes bomb in the box office. I do have high hopes for Ghostbusters though just because of the cast. Leslie Jones is hysterical.
I predict some idiot terrorist will do something so heinous, a furious world will retaliate violently against all Muslims in response.
I predict Kanye West and his big assed wife will continue to be annoying as hell.
I predict the news will spend days on some trivial matter that no one cares about while important news goes unreported. See above for what that trivial matter will likely be about.
I predict someone will get offended by the word "offended" and demand it no longer be used because of sensibilities to the easily disturbed.
I predict climate change will continue to fry us like an egg as no one cares or notices not on a coastline.
I predict that I will keep writing this column and I hope that you all out there continue to read and like what I have to say, even if it's vulgar and offensive.
Happy New Year everyone.