Monday, April 13, 2015


I just can't write about anything political today as the idea of that harpy Hillary Clinton being president makes me want to barf. On the flip side, with the addition of Marco Rubio who announced today his run for President, the chances are still very good that none of the Republican hopefuls will win, facing a bruising from each other and a fractured party with the Tea Party versus Corporations versus the Religious Right. Good luck with that.
But it is almost summer movie season which has nowhere to go but up considering last year's dearth of good films. They were so bad they actually contributed to a record loss for the studios last year that they were never able to make up even with superior stuff they put during the Holidays. This year, there are several awesome looking sequels/remakes/superhero films, some questionable ones and, of course, some absolute stinkers. Let's look at the best and worst according to trailers and advance word.

BEST OF 2015

5)Trainwreck- This is one of the only on this list that is an original idea that comes from the superb and wicked hot Amy Schumer and director Judd Aptow, being the first film he was done in which he hasn't written it as well. Loosely based on Schumer's own life, it centers on a girl afraid of commitment until she meets a man (Bill Hader) who may just be the ONE. Schumer's show Inside Amy Schumer is one of the best sketch comedy shows ever and she killed it last night on the MTV movie awards which more than made up for the terrible music we were subjected to, even somehow ruining Fall Out Boy and a good song by adding some god-awful rapper to the mix. Why, God Why? Trainwreck could be a monster hit.

4)San Andreas- I absolutely love disaster movies. From the Towering Inferno to Deep Impact to 2012, I eat that stuff up. This latest one in the which the Rock has to save his family from a massive earthquake and it's aftermath, which includes his wife, the beautiful Carla Gugino and the spectacularly hot Alexandria Daddadio as his daughter. That is a lot of attractive people to watch as CGI LA goes belly up. I am so there.
3)Ted 2- There is nothing funnier than a foul mouthed teddy bear. Those of you who know who Lemar is will testify to that. Those that don't, sorry inside joke. Anyway, Ted is back and this time having to prove himself a sentient being so he can have a baby with his new wife Tami-Lynn in a clever spoof of I, Robot and is actually closer to the spirit of that book than the awful Will Smith movie of the same name. Ted 2 promises to be funny as hell and it takes place in Boston again so I get to play spot the place I know.

2)Mad Max: Fury Road- One of my favorite movies of all time is The Road Warrior. I have waited years for a sequel that would make me forget the travesty that was Thunderdome, which was half a good movie and half a waste of everyone's time. The minute Max heads out into the wasteland and away from Tina Turner, the film sucked. This one, now headed by Tom Hardy and directed by George Miller appears to be much more like the Road Warrior with lots of post apocalyptic car chases, a weirdly hot Charlize Theron and tons of sand. This promises to be great.

1)Avengers: Age of Ultron- I love the MCU and the first Avengers is one of my all time favorite films directed by one of my favorite directors, Joss Whedon. The band is back baby this time fighting Ultron, an AI program gone wrong that threatens mankind. Black Widow and Hulk start a relationship (WHAT?), Nick Fury returns from the dead to help and we get new villains, Scarlet Witch, Quick Silver and one my all time favorites, the Vision. Spoiler alert: don't expect any of them to remain bad guys if you've read any of these comics ever. This is going to be the best movie this year in terms of spectacle, like Guardians was last year. Bring on the popcorn.


5)Transporter- I love the movies with Jason Statham. I adored the TV series. So how come this latest film looks like a giant pile of dog poo? The lead is too young, the action looks weak and the fact they banished this film from mid-summer to Labor Day (one of the three worst weekends to open a film along with Superbowl weekend and the last weekend in April) says they know this movie sucks and sucks hard. There are going to be some very disappointed people coming out of this turd.
4)Hitman: Agent 47- This on the other hand was a dreadful film ten years back with Timothy Olyphant woefully miscast in yet another dud of a video game turned film. So how did they do this time? Worse. This time they got Rupert Friend (who?) who looks nothing like the character again. The guy who plays Olaf on Almighty Johnsons or Crusher Creel from Agents of Shield would have been better but no we get this idiot instead. I love the game playing a hit man who can either kill by stealth or violence (I usually choose violence) but the only violence from this movie would be me wishing the director and writer dead if I ever got suckered into seeing this trash.

3)Pan- Who exactly is clamoring for a pre-history of Peter Pan? Considering no one watched the live version NBC ran this past year, I can't imagine this one is going to be doing gangbusters either. It's release date is near the end of July and among a lot of strong pictures so this is going to need stellar reviews and good word of mouth to survive. I don't think it will.

2)Magic Mike XXL- This film will make a ton of money. None of it will be from me. I made it through about half the first film before I decided I wasn't gay and couldn't sit through one more minute of male strippers. It got great reviews from everyone, which is why I saw it, and then realized it was nothing more then Showgirls with much more male nudity. Why did that film get panned and this trash got awards? They both sucked but at least we were honest with our selves about WHY we liked Showgirls. This is a must miss if you are straight.

1)Poltergeist- This is the worst idea since the shot for shot remake of Psycho. They do know I can watch the original whenever I want and still have it hold up today? Now we get yet another remake no one asked for which centers around the kids this time (yeah that'll make it much better) and the creepy clown that was in the original for about a minute and a half. Considering it's release date is mid-May, meaning it has to fight against three films from my best of list, suggests strongly that this film is going to die a painful death at the box office. I expect this one to lose money big time.

There are a few films I am leery of, either due to trailers, advance word or both. Ant Man could go either way, and I still am unsure if this character needed his own movie. The shake up of directors doesn't fill me with confidence either. Terminator Genisys can't possible be worse than the last one and I do like the Star Trek/ change the time line idea but advance word has been spotty so we will have to see. Lastly, will third time be the charm for the Fantastic Four film? The first one was never seen, the next two were awful and this one doesn't inspire a lot of hope. The casting seems off and I am not ever talking about a black Johnny Storm (who cares), but the rest seems not right somehow, especially Kate Mara as Sue Storm. WTF? The Doctor Doom origin has been screwed up again from what I have read about the plot so I already hate that part of the film and I haven't even seen it yet. Who knows maybe these will be good but I have very little faith in the two super hero ones and I am praying Terminator is better than I have heard.

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