PREDICTIONS FOR 2015

According to some polls, 2015 is expected to be better than 2014. I don't what they are smoking but it sounds awesome. 2014 was pretty bad and thanks to our beyond stupid voters, next year is going to be far, far worse. The new budget passed is a monstrosity, banks and housing have now gone back to all the exact some things that sunk us in 2008, and health care costs are still soaring, despite what Obamacare was supposed to accomplish but was never going to, as anyone with a brain already knew. It's better than what we had, but it still sucks compared to what the rest of the world has. So let us postulate what 2015 will look like.

1)Here's a gimme: Republicans and Democrats will accomplish nothing. If you thought they were bad these last few years, wait for what is about to happen. I predict Obama will be using his veto pen so often it will run out of ink. We will get the inevitable run-up for the next Bush/Clinton match-up to which I will physically puke blood and vow to piss on anyone who says they are voting for either of these morons. Talk about a two headed coin. The American people bitch about nothing getting accomplished and then send the exact same moron back to office to continue to screw up. What asshole voted for John Boehner or Mitch McConnell? Really stupid people who should NEVER vote again as I have known mentally challenged people with more common sense than these mouth breathers.

2)A grand jury will be presented with video evidence of a cop killing another black man for no reason, accompanied by DNA, testimony from the cop's mother condemning him and a signed confession and they will still let him go. I also predict a lot more cop shootings if these assholes don't calm the fuck down. Pat Lynch will win the Bullshit of the Year award for his unbelievable nonsense about Bill DeBlasio, claiming of course that the mayor is in fact a North Korean spy and is currently trying to sell Manhattan to the Russians. He will get for this, a raise and a promotion. NYPD will greatly improve their accuracy on the firing range after a new training program, to which they now only miss perps from six feet of less 42% of the time, an improvement of two whole percentage points.

3)Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj and Iggy Azalea will appear together on stage and create a new black hole from the density of their asses. When did gigantic asses become hot? I've seen less jiggle in a bowl of jello on a trampoline. All three are talentless hacks as well.

4)SNL will actually have an entire episode be funny signaling the Apocalypse has arrived. How is it possible for this season to actually be worse than last year when the two new cast members, Pete Davidson and Leslie Jones, are really funny? Can we please fire head writer Colin Jost already? He kind of sucks and even Michael Che is at best so-so. When you miss people like Brad Hall and Charles Rocket you know you've gone off the rails.

5)Kim Jong Un will attack Disneyworld for the song "It's a Small World After All" claiming the song is a slight at his height. They will of course hack into the Disney website and discover there's actually not much worth stealing in the first place. They will steal some Frozen dolls as a compensation package.

6)Banks will decide that bail-ins and zero interest rates are not enough and will demand depositors first born when things go belly up. Our zombified public will agree will no hesitation. Congress will pass a law giving banks title to the White House, the Smithsonian and 1000 acres of Wyoming just cause.

7)Global Warming will accelerate driving temperatures into the 100's for months, made worse by the fact that it is November. The deniers will claim the heat wave is a part of a natural cycle and then offer proof of a single snow storm in Alaska at the height of winter which in their minds negates the whole thing. When scientists show their studies to Congress proving the warming is real, the Republicans will put their fingers in their ears and sing "La la la, I can't hear you."

8)Oil Fracking will cause Fargo, North Dakota to be leveled by a 9.7 earthquake that will be felt in Guam. Detractors will say the earthquake was caused by a herd of elk spooked by a backfiring car, to which the far right will agree with and list it as the official cause. Seismologists everywhere die under mysterious circumstances soon after.

9)Unemployment will continue to decline as homelessness soars. Under our next President Hilllabush, unemployment will be zero as there won't be any jobs to worry about next to the smoking crater that was once this great nation.

10)The antichrist will arise and it will turn out to be Lindsey Lohan of all people. After most of the politicians die in bizarre boating accident, Lohan is elected President by a group of people whose collective IQ is 12. She proceeds to wage war on Putin for slighting her at the latest G-20 summit, causing nuclear, catastrophic destruction. Her final words will be, "how do my tits look?"