Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this battle royal here at the not ironically named Quicken Loans Arena. We have a true spectacle for you tonight in the ring containing ten of the best candidates/wrestlers who will be duking it out for the top spot in tonight's match. I am your announcer, the Warmonger, who will be giving a play by play for each blow given by the pastiest competitors I have ever seen since albino day at Disney World. Let's get ready to RUUUUMMMMMBBBLLLEEEE!
The three refs, nicknamed Bimbo, Softball and Limp Dick, will be doing the darnedest to keep the peace but we expect little of that tonight with such vitriol expected between them and the front runner, Donald "the Hair" Trump. The other nine are waiting for the bell, with Jeb "the Failed Legacy" Bush and Scott "Koch Sucker" Walker apparently asleep in the corner. The anticipation is high for some high jinx and we know the audience will not be disappointed.
And there's the bell. The first strike at the Hair from the entire Fox News staff ruffles his comb as he refuses to rule out a third party run and the audience boos in disapproval. He counters and accidentally knocks Marco "Thirsty Boy" Marco off his roost. Failed Legacy and Koch Sucker rouse briefly and then fall back asleep again. Rand "NSA Killer" Paul attacks The Hair next but fails to land the blow, smacking into Chris "Crisco" Christie instead and knocking him into the audience killing two.
What a blood match so far, people. Thirsty Boy has noticed Failed Legacy sleeping and jumps on his head, screaming something about Florida being his state "beyotch." Mike "the Bishop" Huckabee has just noticed an audience member wearing a Planned Parenthood shirt and has attacked her with a chair, disqualifying him immediately. Oh, the humanity.
The NSA Killer has gotten Crisco in a headlock, but his slipped out as they argue over security versus privacy rights. Crisco counters with the traditional 911 defense which at this point is getting real old and tired. Ben "the Black guy" Carson has been all but invisible so far probably because his skin color is making him unseen to GOP voters but lands a few blows versus John "the Sanest Choice" Kasich, but nobody seems to be paying attention to either.
Ted "Shutdown" Cruz has been crying in the corner since this started and appears to be having a meltdown until he notices Koch Sucker still asleep and kicks him in the nuts hard. As Walker has no balls the effects were minimal.
What's this now? The undercard candidates have stormed the ring with Carla "Job Killer" Fiorina hitting Trump with a chair knocking him briefly to the mat and then beating him without mercy as he struggles to get up. Joining her is Rick "Niggerhead" Perry who has elbow dropped on the Hair with several near fatal blows, but the Hair is unfazed knocking the two back into the cheap seats where they belong.
Linsday "the Foppish" Graham has tripped over his own feet and has apparently knocked himself out, much to the delight of 90% of the voting public. Rick "Holier than Thou" Santorum has tried to get anyone to fight him but has been roundly ignored as the top ten continue to beat on each other. Bobby "Thank you come again" Jindal is being slowly crushed under the combined weight of Crisco, Huckabee (who refuses to leave) and Ted Cruz, which must total in the millions of pounds. George "I Really was Governor" Pataki and Jim "the Unknown Candidate" Gilmore have left the ring and are currently at a Bennigan's across the street watching the match.
Failed Legacy and Koch Sucker are getting beat up bad out there to such an extent you'd think they'd throw in the towel. Carson has cracked some lame jokes which Bimbo, Limp Dick and Softball found really funny, even if they weren't, much to the horror of the Hair who has knocked the Black guy flat on his ass with his sharper wit.
It appears the Fox News staff have thrown effigies of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama into the ring, which all the candidates are eagerly ripping apart with great glee. Oh, I am being told those are not effigies but a black man and a woman dressed up like these two, symbolizing what they plan to do with women and black people's rights if elected. My condolences for their families.
And that's it folks and the clear winner, according to the refs is, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee and Scott Walker? WTF? RIGGED! The audience has stormed the ring, beyond angry at this obvious manipulation and are putting Trump on their shoulders, kicking Bush and Walker on the way out.
That is how it played out last night, at least in my deranged mind. Fox news got caught blatantly shilling for Walker and others and dismissing Trump from the first question on. The after explanation on Fox went on to praise Walker, Huckabee and Cruz and dismissing Trump as a failure.
The only problem was perception on the Internet was the opposite. Poll after poll had Trump winning. Fox News is getting hammered for trying to make Trump look bad and ignoring hard questions for easy to hit ones instead. No questions on jobs, the economy, guns, climate change and lip service for many others. Planned Parenthood and Hillary was all I heard for two hours and no solutions for anything from anyone.
Frank Luntz's focus group afterward was so obviously stacked against Trump they might as well as advertised it that way before hand. Their opinion, very anti-Trump, was at odds with the polls that said otherwise and was apparent to even the dumbest person that they were trying to stack the deck toward Walker and others who most likely have no chance on the big stage.
According to most polls I saw, Trump won last night. The biggest loser, and one even Fox News couldn't deny was Bush, who was TERRIBLE last night and did himself no favors. And contrary to Fox, Walker didn't do much better. Two others, Cristie and Huckabee, which Fox News said did awesome, finished dead last in a lot of polls.
The media is trying to give us a Bush/Hillary contest that no one wants.The good news is that after last night's debate and Hillary's possible criminal trial approaching, neither may make it that long. The better news is the public is seeing right through it as well.