I got the best birthday present ever when God finally said enough is enough and smote Supreme Court Justice Scalia in his sleep. I wish his death had been far more painful or embarrassing but beggars can't be choosers and I for one am seriously happy this giant dick is dead. I literally did a jig when my fiancee broke the good news. If you can't tell, I fucking HATED Scalia worse than just about anyone on the planet (although Martin Skrelli, Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina and Debbie Wasserman Schultz are close behind). The damage he did to this country is beyond reproach and perhaps beyond repair, so I giggle every time I even think of his rotting corpse. Let's see those runner ups in another week of true douchebaggery.
10)Kanye West- Several of the people on this list are familiar favorites to this column and talentless douche Kanye West is back for several reasons. First and foremost, his music, if you can even call it that, is auto tuned, over produced garbage that belongs in the trash and not raping my ears. He was on SNL last night and let me tell you, as some one whose has years of experience in the music/talent industry, not to mention an eclectic collection of music that has ALL styles in it, his songs suck hard. They barely qualify as music. If you like this stuff, I feel bad for you as your music appreciation is seriously retarded. One music critic even put his awful, awful album Yeezus as the best of the year it came out. WTF? His music being terrible isn't helped by the fact that Kanye is also an incredible, narcissistic dick who this week tweeted out the idea that Bill Cosby is innocent. The only reason Kanye would do this is because Cosby is black. So this shows he's racist too. What a winner.
9)Martin Skrelli- Yeah, he's back again. This time, the walking ad for punch my face syndrome offered Kanye $10 million for his latest album just so this smug prick can hold yet another album over everyone's head and gloat he is the ONLY person who gets to listen to it. Considering how bad the album is, that may not be the worst thing. Still, for someone who should be commanding a low profile, he is all but double dog daring someone to take a shot at him.
8)Scott Tucker- Speaking of royal douchebags, this one should be higher on this list. The NACSAR driver has been indicted for ripping people off since 1997 with a payday loan operation that charged 700% interest to desperate people. You would have literally been better off going to a loan shark whose rates would have been better. He got away with this by hiding upon sovereign nation rules on Indian land. I actually saw one of his ads years ago at a friend's house and we paused it to read the fine print and notice the outrageous interest they were charging. The Feds are seeking 2 BILLION in damages, as this guy raked in hundreds of millions in dollars just to himself, and his assets are being seized as we speak, This went on far too long and it is about time someone put a stop to it. Enjoy prison asshole where the only road driving you are going anytime soon is up your ass.
7)Cam Newton- Talk about a poor sport. After all that bravado this week and the number one offense in football, the Panthers got spanked in the Super Bowl. To make matters worse after he failed to jump on a open ball, mostly for fear of injury I would suspect, he then acted like a spoiled child whose favorite toy got taken away in the press conference afterward. You lost! Boo hoo! Act like a grownup and congratulate your team and the winners. What a baby.
6)Beyonce Haters- You would thought Beyonce came out with a white man in chains and whipped him to the beat of her new song for all the attention her Super Bowl halftime performance got. Poor crappy Coldplay got shut out of the conversation when white people lost their minds that Beyonce is, wait for it because it's a shocker, black. And she wrote a song about being black in today' world, which even if you have her kind of money, you can see how badly some black people are treated, particularly by trigger happy police. Cops had a fit, Ruby Giuliani was everywhere talking about how inappropriate it was, and white people had to deal with the sudden realization that not everything is about them. The song was WAY better than anything Kanye ever did and that's because Beyonce is actually talented and he isn't. You go girl.
5)Chris Christie/Carly Fiorina- Two more bit the dust this week as their campaigns imploded. Christie, whose political career is now on life support, oozed back to NJ to sample the soon to be undrinkable water supply that he recently privatized and an approval rating of spoiled milk. He will be gone the next election cycle and I couldn't be happier. Fiorina slid back under the rock she came from taking her anti-abortion nonsense with her. Bye bye you two. You won't be missed.
4)Marco Rubio- Talk about a crash and burn moment when for some inexplicable reason, he got stuck on repeat during last week's GOP debate and kept telling us how bad Obama is. Christie called him out on it, which did nothing for him, but tanked Rubio in the process who came out fifth in the NH primaries. Then he went out and kept repeating the line that got him canned. Unbelievable. This establishment tool may be yesterday's news if he keeps this up.
3)Democrats/Debbie Wasserman Schultz/Bill Clinton and his bitch wife- I am beginning to really, REALLY hate the Clintons. These scummy bastards have been pissing in my face all week and didn't even give me towel afterward. Both of these corporatist stooges kept telling us all week how Bernie voted for the 1994 criminal bill that put lots of black people behind bars and his vote in 1999 to deregulate the derivative market. Oddly enough, no one seemed to notice that BILL CLINTON championed for and signed both bills while in office, all with Hillary's support. Bernie has said both were mistakes. I believe him. I don't believe a single word that comes from the Clinton's mouth no matter which of them are speaking, including their idiot daughter. Then we have the DNC who are doing their best to manipulate the election with superdelegates that have no business in a free society. Considering we have everyone and their brother in government trying to take down Bernie, and 99% of the superdelegates have already pledged their support to Clinton (which could change thank God), this smells to high heaven. John Lewis stuck his feet in his mouth by suggesting that Sanders was never at any of the civil rights marches, but got shamed when photos and eyewitnesses came forward with hard evidence he was there. Lastly, the DNC removed the last of the Super Pac rules to give Hillary an even bigger advantage going forward using billionaire and corporate money. If this election goes south, expect this country to go with it and Democrats may be partially to blame.
2)Republicans- Scalia wasn't dead twenty minutes before giant douche, Mike Lee, tweeted out that no conformation will happen until after Obama is out of office. Turtle man Mitch McConnell echoed the same thing. Nevermind the fact that for the last 80 years the average confirmation time was 67 days, this may spell doom for the GOP. If they drag their feet, they will look like obstructionists. If they go with whoever Obama likes, who most likely be a moderate that they will have little reason to deny, they risk the wrath of conservatives. This is a no win situation. Even if by some miracle of god a Republican wins in November, what's to stop democrats from dragging their feet as well. There is a chance that NO nomination may happen for years. Let that sink in.
1)Antonin Scalia- The worst person in the history of the Supreme Court is dead. YESYESYESYES! I FUCKING HATED SCALIA! Because of this ass, he appointed Bush as President in 2000, even though he stood to make financial gains if Bush became president. He then went on to end this country with his deciding vote on the worst ruling in Supreme Court history, Citizen's United. This law has upended democracy and began a quick slide into fascism that we still face today. He has sided against gay people, for ending abortion, denying black people the right to vote and pretty much every other major decision I have despised. I could not be happier for his death. His absence means things like unions may have a fighting chance and unfortunately, that abortion rights in Texas will continue to decline. I do wish he had been found dead with a spiked, black dildo in his ass as gay porn played on his TV but I will settle for his demise in general because this dick is burning in hell right now. Hope it's toasty and he should save some room for Dick Cheney and anyone from the Bush clan when they get there. Ding Dong the witch is dead and I am celebrating. If I come across his grave one day, I will piss on it and Instagram it to everyone. Congratulation Antonin Scalia, you are dead as a doornail and truly douchebag of the week for the last time. Tell Satan I said hi.