Sunday, February 1, 2015


In almost every show I watched this week that was topical (Daily Show, Bill Maher, even @Midnight), each contained some segment proclaiming the Patriots as the biggest cheaters on the planet, regardless of the fact that so far, no one on the team had been accused of deflating the balls and all evidence points either to atmospheric conditions or a giant ref fuck up as the culprits. I am so sick of this rush to judgment we have about EVERYTHING lately, reality be damned. Let's see those runner ups before I watch my team demolish the Seahawks, predicted final score 24-17 Pats. Go Pats and Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, bitches.
10)Governor Paul LePage- This ass is why I loathe Republicans. As food stamp fraud has been noted at less than 1%, of course the GOP would latch onto this as the reason this country is sinking further and further into debt which in no way is caused by super rich douchebags stealing everything not nailed down. All welfare recipients in the state of Maine now will have to get a job to keep getting food stamps, even though every single study says there are not enough jobs to go around, especially in a state like Maine. At least he allowed them volunteer 20 hours a week doing community service but as 12,000 people are at risk, it seems unlikely that that many volunteer jobs even exist. As food stamps keep economies afloat, it seems radically stupid to do this. Walmart would have been out of business years ago if not for the food stamp program for the customers AND employees considering the slave wages they pay. Half of the people have already been thrown off the roles, even as polls show at least 50% were diligently looking for work and couldn't find volunteer work the state would accept or even job training programs that every state touts but don't really have. Keep voting Republican guys until we are all in the poorhouse.

9)Loretta Lynch- Is it too much to ask to have an Attorney General who isn't a complete and total tool? I have to go back to my childhood to find one that didn't reek of corruption and the latest entry appears to be no better. Confirming the fact that if you a black woman in today's world, there is nothing you cannot do, even if in some cases they are completely unqualified, like here. She hasn't been given the job and I already hate her. During her confirmation hearing, she came up with the wholly unscientific theory that alcohol is safer then pot. She might as well have said she thinks climate change is a hoax, Obama is from Kenya and salt water chases away the thirsties. I mean how much dumber can you be to not accept a scientific fact and yet you want to be the most powerful lawyer in the country? You suck, Lynch and I have a feeling your tenure will be no better than your last few predecessors.
8)Cynthia Anderson- This waste of human space should prove popular for her inevitable prison stay for something so heinous, I seriously would like her to be put to death for it. For some inane reason, she tried to bring a three week old puppy on board a plane with her two older Dobermans. She had pawned two puppies off on her parents but for some unexplained reason, not the third. When she was told she could not board the plane due to the puppy being too young to fly, she went into the bathroom and drowned it. She was arrested soon after and, thankfully, the other two dogs will have to find a better home. She was released on bail and then re-arrested after it was discovered she had a felony warrant in FL for Grand Theft. The 56 year old looks like she is 90, so I am guessing meth or heroin or some combination therein. I would have hoped for a good raping in prison but this washed up hag would sandpaper a man's penis right off. I hope she rots.

7)Go Daddy- Speaking of puppies, Go Daddy continued their slide into terrible commercial ideas by revoking this one before it ever aired. It was going to spoof an adorable ad by Budweiser this year about a puppy who gets locked in a horse trailer and has to find his way home. It's awesome. Go Daddy did the same, even having a similar looking, golden lab puppy getting separated from his family and overcoming all sorts of obstacles to make it home only to be sold on Go Daddy the minute he walks through the door. Yuck said everyone on Earth, they were forced to pull the ad days before the Super Bowl and I am curious to see what they air in its place. This was a costly error done by people who really need a new ad campaign, and most likely, a new ad company as well.
6)Man Spreaders- In NYC lately, there has been a rash of entitled douchebags who take up two seats on the subway just because. They don't care if those standing are 107, pregnant, female or even crippled. Tough they say as they spread their legs as wide as possible, taking up as much space as a douchebag can. This is being an ass for no good reason. Learn some fucking manners already.

5)Iran- For all the talk about how bad Israel is and how they are racist against Arabs should take along hard look at this latest threat and ask yourself how sympathetic would you be? Iranian military leaders, along with proxy army Hezbollah, put out pictures of Benjamin Netanyahu's kids with cross-hairs over their faces along with publishing personal information about them. If you really want to start an out war Iran, by all means go through with your threat. How long before Bibi sends hot death raining down on your cities? This is the same country which many say would never use nukes, nor even want them, regardless of the facts that say both are misguided against reality. If something ever does happen to the PM's children, expect Iran and Hezbollah to be wiped from the face of the Earth soon after.

4)Koch Brothers- These assholes have done a full court press this week as big as the Patriot cheater nonsense to prove how great they are and its only democrats gripping about them. Sour grapes we have been told. Philanthropists say others. And while there is some truth to both of those, the facts remain that the Koch brothers are attempting to create an oligarchy or even a fascist state, like the industrialists tried to do back in 1933 and failed. They want a serf class and all the money funneled upward, poor people be damned. This is what the GOP stands for people and if you do not believe me, just look at what they have accomplished for their first month in power. Ending environmental standards, rolling back gay rights and abortion, and now, ending Obamacare, as if that has a snowballs chance in hell of passing. Obama will veto that baby right back to hell where it belongs. Obamacare needs to be fixed, not eliminated and the screaming GOP STILL have no plan to replace it, just like they have no jobs plan, no climate plan, no reality, NO PLANS FOR ANYTHING, at least nothing that doesn't affect the 1%. These guys are literally killing us and most of you out there support it. Sigh.
3)Celebrities going to jail- Two high profile are in trouble this week and neither is big shocker. Lindsey Lohan has 138 hours of community service this week to complete and she looks to not be capable of doing anything close to that. She has claimed her "illness," chickungunya, very rare in this country and mostly found in developing countries, has kept her from doing community work. I wonder if the whole diagnosis is made up by some quack doctor she paid to get out of doing any of this. The judge seems similarly skeptical and may put Lindsey back in jail. Definitely going to jail however, is Suge Knight, which is really no big surprise. He still produces loathsome "gangsta" rap which is no better than music about Hitler or hanging black people and has served time in the past. Now he is being accused of running over an acquaintance and fleeing the scene. He has claimed to being pursued by a rival gang, but eye witness testimony says different. Back to prison he goes, it appears. Neither or you will be missed.

2)Comcast- I will be getting their lovely customer service soon after Charter (which I love) gets taken over by these assholes. Horror stories abound of being kept on hold for hours while attempting to cancel service, rude customer service people and a general disregard for manners. Now comes word that after a spat with customers, some have renamed them things like "asshole brown," "whore," and "bitch" on their bills. Needless to say the customers were unamused and yet again, this waste of a company treats their customers like douchebags. I may be one of these people soon if they screw up as royally here as everywhere else in the country. Direct TV here I come.
1)Patriot haters- We get it. You don't like the Pats. The reason why is sour grapes guys because they are one the most awesome teams EVER and even though they got caught in a minor cheating scandal some years back, have won time and time again by simply being better. This time, everyone has decided the Patriots are cheaters again after Ball-ghazi reared it's ugly head. Nevermind the fact there is ZERO proof that the Pats did anything wrong and plenty to suggest other less nefarious explanations, everyone from Larry Wilmore to Jon Stewart to Bill Maher have all claimed the Patriots as cheaters which has as much validity as the whole "hands up, don't shoot," scenario which also didn't happen. When did facts not matter to anyone on the right, left or center? Rachel Maddow showed it was impossible to alter 11 balls in a bathroom in 90 seconds. There is no video or audio evidence suggesting the Pats altered the balls. But everyone is sure of this because, in their hearts they know, KNOW, the Patriots cheated, have always cheated and will continue to cheat because there is no other explanation why they are such a powerful team. This ignored the facts that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all times and Bill Belichick is one of the greatest coaches. No that can't be it, say the idiot masses, they must be cheating because our teams keep sucking year after year. Surely it doesn't matter that their quarterback is either 56 years old or a rookie who was drafted in round 178 and the coach has a losing record for his entire stay, it because the Pats are cheaters. Yeah that's it. So congratulations Patriots haters, enjoy what I hope will be an epic blowout by Brady and revel in your status as douchebag of the week.

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